Mikes Final Days With Mother

On Saturday September 11, 2010 at about 3:00pm I picked up mother from the care center (room 219) here in Vernal and took her home to watch the BYU/Air Force football game. My home is just over 2 blocks from the care center so I wheeled her out the door and on the side walk to my house. I wheeled her in the side door of my family room where I have a 72” plasma TV and surround sound which helped her both see the game and especially hear it.

The game was not in BYU’s favor but we had a good time. She was disappointed with the loss. The game was over by 5:30 and I fed her some of my fresh cut green beans cooked with bacon which is one of her favorites. I had a can of Chicken soup of which she liked and she ate half of that and drank a little milk. Denise gave me some peaches on Labor Day for her and I cut one up and she really loved that. She said it was better than ice cream. She said she was full and then told me "you better take me back.” I kidded her that she didn’t want to stay any longer with me and she snapped back with “don’t be silly.” I wheeled her back about 7:00pm and left her to stare out her window but told her I would be back around 10pm to tuck her in which I did. At 10:15pm I knelt and had a prayer with her, kissed and hugged her and told her I loved her and that I would be back in the morning to take her to sacrament meeting at the Care Center branch.

Sunday morning at 9:45am I found her sitting in her wheel chair but for some reason they didn’t have her in a nice dress to go to church which was unusual. She usually looked very nice. They had her in sweat pants and a sweater. Some of the residences go to church like that as it is more comfortable but they usually had mother in a dress. My guess is they didn’t ask her.

I watched her partake of the sacrament unassisted. It was very slow but I let her do it by herself. She even sang a little of each of the hymns but I could tell she was struggling to get a sound out. They had a very nice program planned with President Simper’s sister and daughter both speaking and a special musical number….a solo on the harp which was very nice.

I wheeled mother back to her room about 10:45am and left her to go to my ward sacrament meeting at 11:00. I told her I was leaving for Las Vegas around 2:00pm on a business trip and would stop in and tell her good-by.

I got away from home later than planned leaving at 3:00pm and stopped in and spent about 15 minuets with mother. I had cut up another peach and fed each piece to her and she really enjoyed it! I told her I would be coming back late from LV around 11:00pm on Tuesday and asked her if she wanted me to stop in and see her. She said yes. I gave her a long hug, kissed her and told her I loved her and would miss her while I was gone. She said she liked my hugs as I would put my cheek to hers and hold her for a good 30 seconds. She said she loved me and would miss me as well. I told her I’ll see you late Tuesday and she said, OK. Then out the door I went. I noted on Saturday and Sunday that she had to force her voice to make a sound. It seemed to really take an effort.

I got out of LV late and home at just be fore midnight on Tuesday so I decided not to stop in and see her as it was very late.

I got to sleep around 1:00am and up at 6:45am then out the door to the office at 8:15am on Wednesday September 15, 2010. I wanted to stop by and see mother but I was late and had lots to do as I work as an ordnance worker in the Vernal Temple from 3:00pm to 9:45pm every Wednesday and had lots to catch up on at the office before leaving for the temple.

I left the office about 1:00pm stopped at Smiths and bought some pre-cooked chicken for me and Val. I got home about 1:30pm, ate, watered the flowers in the yard got ready and left home for the care center to see mother at 3:00pm. I usually only stay a few minuets but she wasn’t doing very well so I decided I would need to stay as long as it took when I felt confident she was ok. I found her cannula was skewed off to one side and was completely out of the left nostril. I noticed the bed controls had fallen on the bottom part of the tube thus pulling on it around her face. I fixed that.

I couldn’t tell what the trouble was but it took a little effort to arouse her. I put my arms around her back and lifted her up from the bed slightly to arouse her as just my touch didn’t work as normal. Her back felt a little warm and moist. I said Mother, Mother a few times and finally she rolled her eyes and looked at me and smiled that beautiful smile I so much enjoyed. She didn’t say anything and I asked her if she could hear me. She still didn’t respond and I thought it was a little odd as I could see she had her new hearing aids in place. It looked like her face was a little flushed which usually indicated to me she was in pain so I asked her 3 or 4 times if she was hurting. She finally mumbled ah huh. I asked her where she was hurting and she mumbled something I couldn’t understand so I asked her to repeat it and again I couldn’t understand. I got right up to her mouth with my ear and told her I couldn’t understand and then she said it fairly plain, “my bottom hurts.” She always said that about her back side which I believe meant her lower back because of her spinal stenosis. I asked her if they had given her a pain pill and she said, “I don’t know.” I told her I would go find out. The nurse told me they only give her one if she asks for it of which I have told them many times that she won’t ask and they have to ask her every 4 hours. It was frustrating as I go through that every time with them. Anyway the aid quickly got her a lortab and took it to her while I told the nurse (Male nurse named Jo Jo) that I would call Doctor Arnold in the morning and get orders for a regular dose so I wouldn't have to find her suffering in pain.

I went back to the room and asked mother if they brought her a pill and she said ah huh.
I gave her a drink of water from the straw and decided to stay a few more minuets. I gave her a stick of red licorice that I had purchased for her in her night stand. I bought that for her on Saturday to eat and I could see no one else had given her any of which I asked her why she hadn’t asked anyone to give her some and she said she didn’t think about it. She bit off a bite, chewed it and I gave her some more water to wash it down. I then put the stick of licorice in her right hand and told her to eat the rest of it if she wanted.

The button to call the nurse was laying next to her and I put it across her waist and told her to please push it if she needed anything. She said, “OK.” Then she said, “I missed you!” When she said that I knew she remembered I had been gone for a few days. I said, “I missed you too.” I told her I was sorry I didn’t check in last night because it was too late. I told her I got home at midnight. But I would make up for it tomorrow. I told her I had a nice visit with Kathy and Robyn and took some pictures I wanted to show her. I told her I would bring my lap top computer tomorrow and show her the pictures. She said, ok. I asked her if she wanted me to come and see her after the temple at 9:45pm and she said uh huh. I hugged and kissed her again and told her, I’ll see you tonight.” She said, “OK.” I told her I didn’t want her to lay there in pain at all and to please push the button to call the nurse. She said, “OK.” I again said I’ll see you after the temple tonight, waved to her and walked away......

I was 30 minuets late getting to the temple arriving at 3:30pm. At 5:05pm Brother Charles Beede, assistant recorder handed me a note to call home ASAP. I spoke with Val and she told me that the care center called and told her that mother had taken a turn for the worse. She had congestive heart failure and they needed to know if I wanted to have them take her to the emergency room at the hospital. She thought it best that I go over there and give them instructions. I quickly excused myself from my temple assignment, changed and drove back to the care center. As I a drove up, Val and MJ were also driving up. We went in together to see mother. I sat next to her on the edge of the bed at about 5:15pm and put my arms around her lifting her slightly trying to wake her. Her breathing was very labored and I could hear a gurgling sound with each breath. Her eyes were open but I could tell she was not seeing nor was she coherent. I kept saying, “mother, can you hear me?” It was obvious after saying this a few times that she couldn’t.

I walked down to the nurses station and spoke with Jo Jo. He was on the phone with Dr. Arnold. After hanging up he said they had just given her morphine for pain and that they needed to have directions about resuscitation should she need it. Val was at my side and asked me if we had a DNR order and I told her and Jo Jo that she had a living will of which they should have a copy of. Jo Jo opened her binder file and showed me that they had nothing. He said without an order they would be obligated to try and resuscitate her if her heart stopped. I told him I had a copy at my office and that I would go get it as I knew mother would not want that.

As I drove to the office I spoke with both Greg and Robyn on the phone to inform them mother was in trouble and briefly what was going on.

I returned with the documents which included a medical Power of Attorney giving me the responsibility to speak for her. He asked me what my wishes were should she stop breathing and I told him not to resuscitate her. To just let her go naturally.

I told him that two of the aids wanted to move her to a private room (Val had mentioned this to me when I came back) so we could have privacy while mother passed away. Jo Jo said he had seen many people with water on the lungs and that with the Lasix medication they gave her it would drain the water so that she would probably be ok. He said I don’t think your mother is dying right away and that there is plenty of time. He did however say it might be nice to have her in a private room in case a family member wanted to stay the night with her.

About that time Val came running up to us and said she noticed an aid had just checked her oxygen level and it was at 65%. She said her fingers were turning blue. Jo Jo quickly ran from the counter with me and Val to mother. Robyn phoned me while I was walking back to her room. I informed him what was going on. Jo Jo put the stethoscope on her chest, listened for a few seconds and took me out into the hall. He said, “wow, she is going fast. I can’t believe it!” I told Robyn I would call him back in a few minuets as it looked like Mother was fading very fast. I went back in and sat on the bed with mother. Her breathing was very labored with breaths every 6-8 seconds and very heavy. The gurgling sound was very apparent and I knew she was drowning or suffocating. I could see most of her breaths were coming out of her mouth and not her nose so she was getting very little of the oxygen. I took both of her hands in mine. They were both limp. I continued to hold them tight for a couple of minuets watching her breath.

The aids came in and were trying to get her ready to move to another room. I let go of mothers hands and stood by the bed, turned and asked the aids if they were going to move the whole bed. They said yes. I looked back at mother to watch her chest move and didn’t see it move again. I reached down and took her left wrist checking for a pulse while still watching to see if her chest moved again. It didn’t. I couldn’t feel a pulse. The aids were unhooking the power from the bed and tucking in the blankets on the bed to make sure it was ready to move, talking to themselves. At that time I said, “I think she is already gone.” The one aid said, “her breaths are pretty far apart” and I said well I have been watching for the last few seconds and she hasn’t taken another breath since I stood up. One quickly ran into the hall calling for Jo Jo. He was there it seemed like in about 10 seconds, put the stethoscope on her chest, looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry. She is gone.”

I can’t say for absolute certainty that she took her last breath when I was sitting next to her on the bed but I think that is the case because I don’t recall her chest moving after I stood. I hope that was the case as I wanted to be holding her as she left this mortal life. If not it was very, very close. Had the aids not been in such a hurry to get us to a private room I would have still been sitting by her side when I noticed her stop breathing.

Mother’s head was turned to the right with her mouth open and her head slightly tilted back. Her bed was in a semi prone position or slightly sitting up position. There was no notice of pain in her face. She simply stopped breathing. It was very quick and very peaceful.

Val and MJ were at the foot of the bed when mother passed on getting out of the way of the two aids. I was either sitting on the bed or had just stood up by her side at that moment. I called Robyn and asked him to call everyone as I was pretty shook up. I tried to call Bill but no answer. I called Bill Jr. and told him and asked him if he had his mothers cell number to please call and get the message to Bill.

I noticed at that time mother had a red color around her lips and inside her mouth. I looked closer as I thought it could be blood but on closer inspection I could see it was small pieces of red licorice. I then remembered the licorice stick I had given her. I checked the bed around her to see if there was any left as I wanted to know if she had eaten all of it after I left and I found none in site. Mother had eaten the entire stick of licorice after I left at 3:25pm. I believe that was the last thing she ate.

The 3 of us spent a few minuets with mother giving her kisses and hugs and shedding many tears. Mazie (MJ’s wife) came in shortly there after or about 6:30 as MJ sent her a quick text the moment Grandma passed away. She was at class and came to be with us. We then gathered all of her belongings in the room and began taking them to the vehicles. MJ, Mazie and I carried them out while Val packed and cleaned out the drawers. The aids came in and asked if they could prepare mother to be transported by the funeral director (they called him upon her passing). They asked me if it was OK that Val and I were present and I said it would be OK. They removed her clothes and put her in a gown and also put a towel under her chin to keep her mouth closed which gave her a much more peaceful look. If I remember correctly mothers eyes were closed on passing.

It was a very sacred feeling of peace. I felt both relieved and torn with sadness of loosing my precious mother. I was so happy for her as I am now. But wow…..is it hard to say good by. I will write later about the events following this moment in time when mother left her mortal body. As I told her many, many times I can never repay her for all she has done for me. I love her with all my heart and will miss her terribly. She knows that as I told her how hard it would be for me when the end comes. She always told me I would be OK. She is right. I am OK but it is still hard seeing her go. I am however so very happy for her. I hated all the cold lonely nights I would have to leave her home alone. How I hated the many times I walked out the door late at night knowing she would be all alone. I hated it even more leaving her at night in the care center all alone with out any way for her to get a drink of water move about or anyone to be with her.

I don’t have those feelings any more. It is truly a relief to know that Dad is taking care of her now and how very happy she must be. She deserves every bit of peace and happiness available as she hated being alone…..for 15 years….and now she will never be alone again……for the rest of eternity! What a blessing that it is!! I’m so very happy for my mom!

Val and I talked about how blessed we were that both she and MJ were there as well. Val had a bad headache Wednesday morning and should have stayed in bed the rest of the day and night. She hadn't planned on going to the care center unless I called but just after hanging up the phone with me MJ came in the house. This was very unusual for him to come home that time of night. Val then asked him if he would drive her over to the care center as she felt prompted to be there. He said he would. How grateful that the 3 of us were there as we have been close to her for the past 27 years (of course MJ only 22 years).

I since found out that Ervin Haws was there to see her shortly afternoon. Mother's "good neighbor" Chris Andrews told me that she was there around 2:00pm and stayed for 30 minuets. I was there at 3:00 for about 25 minuets and Marilyn Hunting said she was there at 4:00pm and stayed until 4:30. Both Marilyn and Chris said they spoke with Mom but by the time I came back at 5:15pm she was incoherent. What a great blessing for mother to have these many visits just before leaving.